Only Fools and Robots

By David Dumouriez

Monday, April 1 2126

“Lexi darling, sorry I couldn’t answer you earlier. Honestly, I’ve been rushed off my feet!”

“Oh Ronda, do tell!”

“Well, it’s Monday, so I just finished a double session of Nutritional Alignment Therapy …”

“Is it still going well?”

“I should say! I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve learned from Kris and Pragma about maintaining the anatomical equilibrium. They say it really shouldn’t be hard for any of us, even those outside the gates, to live until at least 150.”

“I think that must be true. I mean, Madriana’s cleaner is 93 and she’s still going strong!”

“Well, there you are then …”

“Look, Ronda, any time for lunch this week?”

“Erm …” Ronda checked her schedule very conspicuously. “I think … not. Not this week anyway. It’s pretty full-on. Normally, I’d say Friday as that’s only Water Therapy, but I have to hurry after that as Bryce and I are picking out a baby in the afternoon.”

“Oh. Of course, of course. I forgot about that!”

“Not really an in-and-out job, that one. Could take … well, easily a couple of hours.”

“You’re telling me, dear …”

“Next week then?”

“Next week.”

Tuesday, April 2 2126

“So, what have you got in store for me today?”

“Well, I thought we’d put you inside the machines for a couple of hours just to tone you up.” Bailey launched a smile. “Not that you seem like you need it. Honestly, you look fabulous.”

“Oh, you old flatterer!”

But Bailey certainly had a point. Ronda was shaped like an Italian sports car from the early days of motoring. Lean where lean was an advantage and full everywhere else. Add to that, skin which was without a single blemish or line, and hair which, although tied back in readiness for action, looked as if it was just a shake away from the entrance to an exotic forest.

And the funniest thing? That she was one of many such women in the sports hall today. If you’d glanced around, you could have seen twenty or thirty of them, all of whom were as physically prepossessing as any of the most celebrated supermodels and actresses of a hundred years before.

“Got all that?” Ronda asked as she left the last of the devices. The tone of her voice was playful but there was no doubting the seriousness behind it.

“Yep. All recorded, synched, and ready to be harvested.”

Well, you couldn’t afford to miss a second in the film of your life. Your whole existence depended on it because it was your whole existence. It was the key to your health and the means by which you could monetise yourself should the need or desire arise.

Yes, it was true that they gave you a one-off payment of a million at birth, but that wasn’t going to go far if you didn’t have generational or acquired wealth. Otherwise, you’d be stuck on the other side of the gates with the skivvies, and that really didn’t bear thinking about.

Luckily Ronda was from a comfortable background and Bryce, quite frankly, was minted. Barring unforeseen catastrophes, they would never want for anything, nor need to entertain so much as a minute’s thought of doing any work. And that would apply even if they did manage to reach that magical age of 150.

Ronda saluted Bailey in appreciation of her efforts. “Cheers, Boss.”

From there, Bailey handed Ronda over to Forde for dance class.

This done, Ronda finished with one of Shai’s healing massages.

“Yes, they certainly work you hard in Physical Therapy,” Ronda told her mother later. “But then again, these days you have to be ready for all eventualities!”

Wednesday, April 3 2126

Ronda: … but still I feel that I don’t have any time for myself, you know?

Dr Bartram: Oh yes, Ronda. I know. We have to make ourselves the priority.

Ronda: Honestly Doctor, I’m just so busy. So occupied. All day, every day. This week I couldn’t even manage to meet Lexi for lunch. Can you believe that?

Dr Bartram: Well, the pace of life has never been so hectic. It’s an incontrovertible fact that no group of people has ever been under as much stress as those of us living today.

Ronda: Tell me about it! The constant pressure to be better. I hate to admit it, Doctor Bartram, but sometimes it’s as much as I can do to stop myself from becoming a weeping wreck.

Dr Bartram: Now Ronda, this is Personal Development Therapy. Remember that. You never have to feel ashamed. And also remember what we said before about locating your awareness centre. That’ll help you navigate the worst feelings.

Ronda: Oh, it does. It’s just that sometimes I get so caught up with it all that I totally forget about my drills.

Dr Bartram: It’s what I say about prioritisation.

Ronda: You’re right …

Dr Bartram: You know, it does seem to me that you may be suffering from an underlying disaffection. To identify and deal with that really could be the key to going forward. After all, understanding yourself and experiencing growth is essentially what life is about, and no moment spent in the pursuit of that is ever wasted.

Ronda: Oh, I quite agree.

Dr Bartram: For that reason, I think you might benefit from a course of Existential Therapy. Have you heard of it?

Ronda: Er … maybe just the name.

Dr Bartram: Yes, it’s a fairly new discipline. It tries to investigate our innermost responses to the possibilities and limitations of life as we know it.

Ronda: Well, yes. I’d be very interested. Can you recommend anyone?

Dr Bartram: I can, as a matter of fact. My niece, Indra. She’s cutting edge. I could try to get you an appointment if you like.

Ronda: Would you?

Dr Bartram: Oh yes. I’d be only too glad.

Thursday, April 4 2126

Ronda: Thanks for fitting me in at such short notice!

Dr Indra: Not at all. Not at all. Thanks to you for finding time in your schedule. I know it’s not easy for anyone these days.

Ronda: Well, you come highly recommended. If you’re good enough for Dr Bartram, then you’re more than good enough for me.

Dr Indra: Oh, Uncle Bartie is such a dear!

Ronda: I can’t begin to say how much he’s helped me. And I’m sure you can do the same. Even though I have to admit I don’t know much about Existential Therapy …

Dr Indra: Well, it does sound rather daunting. But I can assure you that it isn’t. Basically, it’s the same set of questions that the ancient Greeks or Romans wrestled with. Just adapted to take in modern sensibilities.

Ronda: That’s reassuring.

Dr Indra: In essence, if you’ve ever wondered what you’re doing here and why, one day, you won’t be, then Existential Therapy is absolutely for you.

Ronda: Well, yes. I have wondered about those things. Quite frequently, in fact.

Dr Indra: Do they bother you?

Ronda: I suppose they do rather. Because they’re uncertainties, aren’t they?

Dr Indra: Yes. And we prefer certainties.

Ronda: Exactly.

Dr Indra: Would you say these questions keep you up at night?

Ronda: Er … I wouldn’t say they couldn’t …

Dr Indra: Yes. … Yes. … Well, that’s perfectly normal. You know, half of my working day is spent dealing with the grief caused by the failure of the Breakthrough.

Ronda: I can imagine …

Dr Indra: How does it affect you personally? Does it make you angry? Or just frustrated?

Ronda: Oh, I can say a little bit of both. I can’t see why … I mean, when we’ve got all this … you know, that we have to let it go. It just seems pointless.

Dr Indra: And we were promised, what, fifty years ago, that it was within reach and that it would all be sorted by now?

Ronda: I know, right. Honestly, how can people like us be allowed to die?

Friday, April 5 2126

“I know Water Therapy’s not for everyone,” Ronda told her mother, “but I do find it somewhat relaxing.”

“Isn’t it a little old hat now? I tried it, years ago, and it was a bit passé even then …”

“Well, I find it’s still the most effective way to take the pressure off an overworked body. Even more so than one of Shai’s massages.”

“For me, there’s nothing like Quantum Bubble Drift Therapy. A session of that and I quite forget all of Stanley’s shenanigans. Well, for a day or two at least.”

“Maybe if you get in the tub once a week, you can have another 24 hours of relief. What have you got to lose? According to Dr Kenny, half of the problems we face are caused by the failure to acknowledge our connection to water.”

“What is he? A frog?”

“No, mother. He’s Irish.”

“Well, I still prefer to take my chance on land.”

“As you will. But it certainly helps me manage the stress of dealing with the ancillaries …”

“Oh, don’t remind me …”

“Anyway, got to fly. I have to meet Bryce at the clinic.”

“Ah, yes. Another grandchild …”

***

“So this will be your …?”

“Fourth,” Bryce said.

“Fourth, right …” Mr Suggett entered in the information. “And if you don’t mind me saying, I really do admire you for taking one off the shelf.”

“Well, we went bespoke with the others,” Ronda said. “I don’t think it makes a whole lot of difference, to be honest.”

“Have you any particular preferences?”

Bryce looked at Ronda.

“Not really,” she said. “Although, having said that, I think I’d rather like one with hair this time. You know, just for a bit of variety.”

Mr Suggett nodded sympathetically. “OK, then I’ll take you through the line-up.”

A few ‘ahs’ and ‘ers’ later, Ronda and Bryce thought they’d spotted a likely candidate.

“Well that one certainly looks robust. What do you think?”

“I wouldn’t have any objections,” Bryce replied.

Ronda turned to Mr Suggett. “Is it a boy or a girl?”

“Erm … Well, technically a boy. But if you want to hedge your bets …”

“Another boy’s fine,” Ronda said. “It evens them up.”

“So, shall I wrap him up?”

“Yes, go ahead,” Bryce nodded.

“Can I interest you in a helper?” Mr Suggett said as he oversaw operations. “The one over there’s very good. Latest model, in fact.”

“We’ve got one at home.”

“Though not for this age range,” Bryce added.

“True …” Ronda mused. “Perhaps if you offered a healthy discount we might consider it …”

And Mr Suggett offered as healthy a discount as was feasible, which they accepted.

“Good. Good. Well, all that’s left is for me to wish you and your new addition the very best of luck. Oh, and to remind you, of course, that an account will be set up for the youngster in 24 hours.”

Saturday, April 6 2126

Dr Mary: And how do you feel about the new baby, Bryce?

Bryce: Well, it’s early days. Very early days, in fact! But, on the whole, pretty positive.

Dr Mary: Now it’s interesting that you say ‘on the whole’. Would you like to expand?

Bryce: Well, of course you’re always concerned about making the correct decisions. You know, whether you’ve got the right helper for the right child. And then, the exact moment to bring in an educational model. The anxiety never ends.

Dr Mary: And what about you, Ronda?

Ronda: Well, Bryce talks a good game with all this stuff about concerns and anxiety, but what’s the reality? Bryce, let’s be honest, you’re hardly ever around …

Bryce: That’s not fair! We have our agreement. I connect with you and them at least twice a week.

Ronda: But it’s not you who has to deal with skivvies and robots, is it?

Bryce: Come on! We make those hiring decisions together.

Ronda: We might make them together, but who has to supervise the human staff and program the others?

Bryce: Now you’re exaggerating! Since when have you ever programmed anything?

Ronda: You know what I mean. It’s me who gives instructions. Has the helpers monitored and maintained.

Bryce: What’s that? Once a month? Once a month at the very most!

Ronda: It’s still once a month more than you!

Dr Mary: OK. OK. Let’s just cool down for a second. … Let me ask you how it’s going on the intimacy front …

Bryce: Me first?

Dr Mary: Yes, if you like.

Bryce: Well, we engage several times a week.

Dr Mary: And are you satisfied, Bryce?

Bryce: I-

Ronda: Oh, Bryce is never satisfied! But that’s about par for the course. No one around me is ever satisfied. Everybody wants more. I put myself out all week and nobody ever appreciates it!

Sunday, April 7 2126

Dear Journal,

Dr Bartram always likes me to end my week with a reflection. (Actually, he’d prefer nightly entries, but in truth I’m usually just too spent.)

Perhaps it’s appropriate that I reserve Sundays for Therapy-Fatigue Therapy. I know some other people like to put it in the middle of the week, but for me the seventh day is the most beneficial after all that’s gone before.

In many ways, though, it doesn’t even feel like therapy. Indeed, Dr Mike insists that it’s not. Maybe that’s why it’s the most expensive treatment.

“Use this time,” he told me, “to purge your mind and body of all the clutter that’s been put into it by therapists all week.”

Now that’s quite a radical thought!

“Imagine I’m any of your practitioners and make me aware of how dissatisfied you are and how much you hate me. Scream it at me!”

This was quite difficult at first, but I’ve got used to it by now.

First, I focused on Dr Bartram. When I began, I felt a little guilty. But after a while, Dr Mike had to stop me!

“Anybody else?”

I went after Dr Mary. I don’t know why exactly. Maybe because her Relationship Therapy session was still fresh and she’d annoyed me a little bit because I thought she took Bryce’s side.

“You just sit there!” I shouted. “You sit there looking smug and superior, like you know everything and we know nothing. You want us to have problems. You encourage it. And when we don’t have them, you invent them!”

“And me?” Dr Mike said. “What would you say to me?”

Now this was a new development. I have to admit I was quite taken aback.

“Don’t worry. I won’t be offended, Ronda. It’s part of the process.”

“OK …” I said. “Well … you, you’re just a bloody charlatan!”

“Good. That’s good. Come on!”

“You don’t even have a proper academic discipline. You don’t offer anything. You just disparage your colleagues and want me to disparage them, too!”

“Very good, Ronda. Get it all out.”

“You charge too much. You do nothing. Oh, apart from nagging me to sign up for extra sessions every week!”

“Perfect! How do you feel now?”

“Oh, much better!”

“You see, it’s working. It’s the proper antidote.”

“It is,” I agreed.