By Julie Wornan

BARBARA

I sensed that my eyes were shut, although I didn't feel my eyes. But I could see. I saw my poor emaciated body lying still on a white bed. Mutti is holding my hand. Vati is standing behind her with his  arm over her shoulder. Berti is kneeling by the bed and Luka stands next to him. Their eyes are glistening with tears. Oh, how I wish I could comfort them!

A doctor in a white coat comes in, consults some instruments, holds my wrist, frowns. He looks at the family a moment, then lowers his eyes. Nobody speaks. I cannot speak. I long to speak. I long to tell them, don't cry for me, I'm not gone, I'll always be with you. But the scene is fading. I can't focus my eyes. I have no eyes. But without eyes, I see a light. It's at the end of a long dark cold tunnel. I'm floating in the tunnel and I know it is cold, although I can't feel the cold. The light comes closer, intensifies, fills all the space with brilliance. Then it's gone and I'm in a dark cold space. I know it's cold although I don't feel the cold. I no longer feel, I no longer have a body. I am not a body. I am a presence. I'm not afraid. What was, was. What will be, will be.

I sense another presence. Like me — young, feminine. I have no voice but I know I can call to her with my mind. Wordlessly I call, "Hail to you, fellow spirit. I'm Barbara. Who are you?"

An instant reply touches my mind: "Greetings to you, spirit of Barbara. I was Laurie. Welcome to The Place. How long have you been free?"

"Free... Do you mean, dead?"

"Death is freedom."

"I only just died, I think. My family was crying. I do so wish I could be with them again."

"Barbara, you are not a body. You are a soul. A body is flesh, meat, trash. Now you're free and clean. Your family will cry awhile, then they'll dry their tears and get on with their lives. Is there something particular you miss?"

"I wanted to watch my little brothers grow up. Luka is so clever, I think he will be an engineer. Little Berti is already a genius with paint and pencil. I wonder what he will do. Maybe illustrate books."

"But what did you want for yourself?"

"I always loved languages. I was at the top of my class in English and French. I started  an online course in Russian. I wanted to be a translator or a writer. And most of all — since you ask — I wanted to love somebody and be loved."

"Was there someone special?"

"Well, I had a crush on a boy called Klaus. He had curly red hair and a cute little nose. But I was too shy. One day we were in the cafeteria and I had just gotten top grades on an English essay and a French exam so I was feeling good about myself. Then suddenly Klaus is there and he's saying "Hi, Barbara". I didn't say "Hi Klaus." I didn't say anything. Then he went away. That night I cried into my pillow. I told myself, I will change. I will get over that shyness thing. I could have done it. I think. But I didn't have time. The illness caught me and it was all over quickly.

"So now I am free, as you say. Free of my flowering body. Free of wishes and hope. Laurie, are you happy to be free?"

***

LAURIE

I am still struggling for freedom. Eight days. Sometimes I escape like a balloon into the sky. Again. And again. But each time, the good Doctor Goodwell grasps my balloon string and pulls me back into my body. My poor unwanted body which — is it professional pride? or perhaps something like misplaced affection? — the good doctor keeps alive. Not just alive but in pretty good shape, considering my fall. And so I drift in and out of a coma, an hour of freedom here and fleshly imprisonment there. Eight days. Oh dear dear doctor, let me go! But my thought cannot reach him. If it could, would he listen? The life of the body is his profession and his pride.

My parents never wanted me. I was a mistake. But you couldn't get abortions then. Childhood is supposed to be a happy time. But mine was all unbearable loneliness between capricious beatings. My imaginary playmates kept me company, until childlike imagination lost its grip and I was friendless and alone. My pillow knew my tears.

I didn't speak to people. It was like, if other people heard my voice they would "see" me and see the horrible deformed thing that my parents saw in me. 

And then there was Nick. Black hair, eyes like deep pools. He was top of his class in maths and wow, could he sing! Like an angel in a choir. He sang when he came in and went out and at recreation and when he had nothing else to do. One time, I guess he saw me listening to him transfixed and he actually came up to me and said, "Hi, Laurie." I said nothing. What can a cockroach say to an angel? Then he kind of shrugged and went away. I sobbed and sobbed into my pillow that night. And then I resolve to end it. It was as easy as stepping out of my bedroom window.

But my bedroom is on the second floor and the branches of the maple tree broke my fall. There was a great pain in my left leg. I lost consciousness. Then I awoke on a hospital bed. Exerted all my will to get free again but it was in and out, in and out for eight days. No end in sight. The good doctor was just doing his job, saving my life like doctors are supposed to do. How could he know?

But here is Barbara. A sister soul. She was happy in life, full of joy and hope and she wants to live again. I will offer her my body. When the doctor brings her round, there will be no resistance and she will get well and she will live and I will finally go free.

Barbara, would you like to have my body? Follow me, I'll lead you to it and help you get in. It's hardly damaged at all. The leg is mending. Then you can live in my body and I will go free.

***

BARBARA-LAURIE (in a hospital bed)

This body feels good. I can flex the fingers and toes, even turn “my” head. The body seems a little slimmer than my old one but every part of it feels right. Some parts even tingle. Especially when I look up at my doctor. Doctor Goodwell, by his badge. A great name. He is good, and he's made me well. He brought me back from death.

I think I could fall in love with him.

***

DR CLYDE GOODWELL

My sleeping beauty has come round! I feared she was slipping away. Good Lord, she is beautiful!

Laurie, by the name on the bed. A lovely name. Suits her. Oh, she's opened her eyes! 

I'll speak to her.

Laurie, Laurie, welcome back!

How do you feel?

BARBARA-LAURIE

Good! I feel good all over. 

Dr GOODWELL

I’m so glad to see you awake and hear your voice!

You seem to speak with a slight accent. Perhaps your mouth is partly paralyzed or distorted as a consequence of the trauma. How’s the leg?

BARBARA-LAURIE

My left leg seems to be  in a cast but there’s no pain. She said she broke a leg when she fell.

Dr GOODWELL

She? Who’s that?

BARBARA-LAURIE

Laurie.

Dr GOODWELL

But you are Laurie.

BARBARA-LAURIE

Dr Goodwell, I must tell you. I am not Laurie. My name is Barbara.

Dr GOODWELL

Your name is on your chart: Laurie Tidlinks. Oh but perhaps Barbara is your middle name?

BARBARA-LAURIE

Oh Doctor, we must talk. I have something I must tell you. Now. Or later. When you have time.

***

BARBARA-LAURIE

My heart rhythm was steady. I filled my lungs with air and breathed it out slowly. Again.

I could feel his touch on my wrist. Hands, smooth and warm.

Then he began to massage my body. My whole body, starting with the feet, then the legs, stomach, torso, arms, neck, and gently, my cheeks, my face. I nearly swooned again from the thrill.

I opened my eyes then. And saw his face. Handsome, young, blue eyes. I felt myself smile.

He said, “Laurie, welcome back!”

I will tell him, I’m not Laurie, I’m Barbara. I will tell him soon. For the moment I just relax to his touch, his warmth, his smile. He is welcoming me back into the world. The world I nearly left for ever.

***

Dr GOODWELL

My Sleeping Beauty is truly alive! 

I’ve had patients die before, but this is different. To think of that angelic face turning to dust, I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t sleep. I think Octavia noticed. Well, what will be, will be.

***

BARBARA-LAURIE

He looked at me so tenderly. I said, We must talk. I don’t know if he was busy but he sat on the guest chair and made a phone call, ordered a tray with pastry and fruit for us. Apple pie and grapes. He made a gesture inviting me to eat. Such a long time since I tasted grapes. Or anything at all. So delicious.

He opened the conversation: So, Laurie, tell me, how do you feel?

I told him, I feel well. Really well. My leg doesn’t hurt either, I think it’s mending.

Then I told him: Doctor Goodwell… Clyde? May I call you Clyde?

He said Yes. Please call me Clyde. And I will call you Laurie.

I told him then: Clyde, you must know. I’m not Laurie. I’m Barbara.

He pointed to the name Laurie Tidlinks on the chart hanging on my bed.

I told him. He listened intently. I told him how I, Barbara, died in Germany eight days ago, and how I met Laurie in the Other World and she was half in, half out of life and she wanted to be free and I so much wanted to live. So she gave me her body. She showed me how to get into it. 

I returned to life in Laurie’s body. With his doctorly help of course. I told him this and watched his face.

He looked puzzled. So I told him again.

And then he got up from his chair. He said, I’ll have the nurse take the tray away. Then he walked on. Didn’t turn.

How can I make him love me again? I don’t want to live without love. Without his love.

***

OCTAVIA

What did I do wrong? He’s been different lately. Or should I say, Indifferent. We used to smile at each other over breakfast. At night we would hug each other tight and Clyde would say, Oh Octavia, when you hug me it’s as though you had not just two arms but eight! You are my darling octopus.

That’s gone now.

The other night in his sleep he murmured, “Oh my sleeping beauty, my sleeping beauty!”

I don’t think he meant me.

Our intimacy had its limits. There were things we didn’t tell each other. We’ve been living together six months but we have our secrets. Perhaps that was a mistake. If two people love each other, there should be no secrets.

I will tell him mine.

***

Dr GOODWELL

So Octavia is a reincarnated octopus! And Laurie is a ghost.

Octopuses, ghosts… Why can’t I have a normal woman in my life?

***

Mr TIDLINKS

I told him no. I told Dr Goodwell that we cannot take Laurie back.

She was always a difficult child. Daydreaming. Lazy. We had to beat her just to get her to pick up her underwear from all over the floor.

I tried to be a father to her. Gave her pocket money. Bought her the books she wanted. My wife’s eyes were red with crying because Laurie was so ungrateful. Brooding. Silent. And then she goes and jumps out of her bedroom window!

I didn’t want to call the ambulance. Just let her lie there. My wife phoned the ambulance and we went along to the hospital to sign her in. Left leg broken, breath erratic, bruises all over. I thought we were rid of her.

No, Dr Goodwell, we will not take “our daughter” back. I am not her father. Her mother never wanted her. Laurie was an ungrateful, unlovable child since the day she was born. Do what you will with her. Don’t count on any help from us.

***

Dr TEEFDENK

Hello, Parapsychological Association, Dr Teefdenk speaking.

You want to report a reincarnation experience? How long have you known about your… reincarnation?

Wait a minute, it was a near death experience?

Well, we have a number of those on record, but of course it’s useful to add new cases to the file. When can you come to our office?

Oh, you want us to send somebody to… to the hospital? 

Look, Miss, we are very busy just now. We’re preparing our annual conference. Why don’t you phone again when you’re out of the hospital?

Yes. Yes. I see. No, I’m so sorry, it won’t be possible. Why don’t you phone again in a month? Maybe we can make an appointment to see you then. Yes, of course we want to hear about your experiences. Perhaps you can tell us all about it next month. Thank you for phoning the Association. Goodbye, Miss.

Oh dear, another silly girl who thinks she’s in love with her doctor and she wants to impress him with some story about being a reincarnated dragon fly, or whatever. We should drop everything and send an expert in reincarnation studies to see her in some hospital! Well, I’ve got work to do.

***

Dr FROOD

Psychiatric Hospital, Dr Frood speaking. Hello, Dr Goodwell. How can I help you?

Oh. I see. So your patient hallucinates that she’s undergone a reincarnation. Well, these cases are not so very rare. Who are her next of kin?

So, her parents have washed their hands of her. Is their anybody else? Any siblings…?

So she’s all alone and you can’t discharge her in care of her parents and she is mentally deranged. Yes, you can send her here. We will try to cure her. In the worst case, you know, we have several patients with persistent delusions and those who can’t be cured can stay with us. As long as they need us, we give them a home and such attention as they need.

Well, Dr Goodwell, you may bring her here when she’s healed. Don’t worry. Our patients get excellent care.

Goodbye, Dr Goodwell. We’ll find a solution for your patient and she’ll be safe. Don’t worry.

***

BARBARA-LAURIE

So strange. Clyde seemed to understand me so well. There was a warmth between us. Actually, I felt we were falling in love.

I let myself dream that Clyde would take me into his home. He’d care for me. When I felt well enough I would sign up for courses, develop skills. Maybe as a translator. Or something else. This was my secret hope… until…

Well, until I told him my story.

True, it’s hard for some people to believe that unusual things can be real. I thought to call in a learned professor from the Parapsychological Association. He would explain it and Clyde would understand. They said call again in a month. That will be too late.

I could tell Clyde I was joking. But he’d figure out that I wasn’t Laurie. So much better to be honest.

Sometimes even very learned people just drift along with what “most people” think, without looking at the evidence. So sad.

Just now I heard him phone the Psychiatric Hospital. It sounds like he plans to commit me. That would be like a lifelong prison sentence. No not that, not that!

***

Dr GOODWELL

Now Laurie… Barbara… won’t you lie down and show me your leg. Good, it’s nearly healed.    You’ll be able to be discharged from the hospital soon.

BARBARA-LAURIE

Clyde… Dr Goodwell… What will happen to me? 

Dr GOODWELL

Don’t worry, we’ll find you a nice home. You’ll be cared for and you’ll be safe.

BARBARA-LAURIE

You mean the psychiatric hospital, don’t you?

 Dr GOODWELL

Oh no, with your parents of course.

BARBARA-LAURIE

Mr and Mrs Tidlinks are not my parents. They will not take me.

I overheard your conversation. I think I know your plan.

For heaven's sake, don’t do that to me!

Dr GOODWELL

Now, Laurie, just take this pill… Here’s a glass of water to wash it down. Now you must relax and sleep. That’s a good girl. Have a good sleep. I’ll come and look in on you in while.

BARBARA-LAURIE

So it’s true. He plans to commit me to the loony bin.

If I sneak out of here, where can I go? I don’t have any clothes except this hospital gown. No money. I don’t know anybody here.

Suppose I managed to get home. So I come to my house and I call, “Muti! Vati! I’m here.” And they look at me and Vati calls the police and Muti breaks down in tears and the boys look at me from an upstairs window and they look at each other and make a rude gesture and run back inside.

No, if I can’t persuade Clyde that I am Barbara, I won’t be able to persuade my family. I would just hurt them. Badly. They would think it a cruel joke. I would probably end up in jail or else be committed to… No! To have returned to life only to be locked up! No, that would not be life.

Laurie spoke of freedom.

There is only one way for me to be free.

I can open the window. There! We’re on the sixth floor. That should do.

***

LAURIE as a butterfly

I’m free!

Free as the wind whipping round a rocky mountain peak.

Free as a seagull swooping over the roaring waves.

Free as a bunny scampering across a grassy field.

Free as a light beam breaking into a million colors, before they all collapse again into one white.

Free as the world's children with their million dreams, before they collapse into a puddle of dumb humanity.

Free as this butterfly whose form I now take.

It’s been exciting, trying other forms. Not hard, once you get the knack of it. To be a bunny was a delight. Then a hunter shot the rabbit. I entered a fox. The fox was hungry and it died.

I envied the flight of birds. I entered a baby robin just as it emerged from the egg. But it was hard to master wing flapping. Then I decided to try out a little white butterfly. Not hard to get the hang of the flying, much easier than birds.

So here I am near the hospital. Well, I’ll fly up and look in on my friend Barbara, see how she’s managing with my body. 

This must be the window. Oh, there’s the bed. There’s Dr Goodwell sitting by the empty bed. Looks thoughtful. Does he miss me… her? I suppose she’s cured and left. I wish her well, wherever she is.

I’ll perch on Dr Goodwell a moment and tickle his ear and then I’ll go.

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